David Ross Locke

David Ross Locke (also known by his pseudonym Petroleum V. Nasby; September 20, 1833 – February 15, 1888) was an American journalist and early political commentator during and after the American Civil War.

• to the
  MAN,
  whoever he may be, who succeeds in bein elected to the presidency
  by the dimocratic party, and who shall, immejitly after his
  inoggerashun, appint me to the post offis, from wich
  the tyrant grant dismist me, thus asurin an old
  dimocrat, who never scratched a ticket,
  and alluz took his likker strate,
  a comfortable end to an uncomfortable career.
  • "Dedikashun" to Struggles: Social, Financial and Political (Boston: I. N. Richardson and Co, 1872)

• I adore woman. I recognize the importance of the sex, and lay at its feet my humble tribute. But for woman, where would we have been? Who in our infancy washed our faces, fed us soothing syrup, and taught us "How doth the little busy bee?" Woman! To whom did we give red apples in our boyhood? for whom did we part our hair behind, and wear No. 7 boots when No. 10’s would have been more comfortable? and with whom did we sit up nights, in the hair-oil period of our existence? And finally, whom did we marry? But for woman what would the novelists have done? What would have become of Sylvanus Cobb, Jr., if he had had no women to make heroines of? And without Sylvanus Cobb, Bonner could not have made the Ledger a success; Everett would be remembered not as the man who wrote for the Ledger, but merely as an orator and statesman; Beecher never would have written Norwood, and Dexter might to-day have been chafing under the collar in a dray! But for woman George Washington would not have been the father of his country, the Sunday school teachers would have been short the affecting story of the little hatchet and the cherry tree, and half the babies in the country would have been named after some one else. Possibly they might have all been Smiths. But for woman Andrew Johnson never would have been, and future generations would have lost the most awful example of depravity the world has ever seen. I adore woman, but I want her to keep her place. I don’t want woman to be the coming man!
  • "The Struggles of a Conservative with the Woman Question", Lecture delivered in the Music Hall, Boston, MA (December 16, 1868); Struggles: Social, Financial and Political (1872) p. 662

• I shall assume that Eve was merely the domestic servant of Adam — that she rose in the morning, careful not to disturb his slumbers — that she cooked his breakfast, called him affectionately when it was quite ready, waited upon him at table, arranged his shaving implements ready to his hand, saw him properly dressed — after which she washed the dishes, and amused herself darning his torn fig leaves till the time arrived to prepare dinner, and so on till nightfall, after which time she improved her mind, and, before master Cain was born, slept. She did not even keep a kitchen girl; at least I find no record of anything of the kind. Probably at that time the emigration from Ireland was setting in other directions, and help was hard to get. That she was a good wife and a contented one I do not doubt. I find no record in the Scriptures of her throwing tea-pots, or chairs, or brooms, or anything of the sort at Adam’s head, nor is it put down that at any time she intimated a desire for a divorce, which proves conclusively that the Garden of Eden was not located in the State of Indiana.
  • "The Struggles of a Conservative with the Woman Question"; Struggles: Social, Financial and Political (1872) p. 664