King of the Hill (season 14)

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King of the Hill (1997-present) is an American adult animated sitcom that aired on Fox. The show centers around the Hill family, whose head is the ever-responsible, hard-working, loyal, disciplined, and honest Hank Hill.

Peggy: Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab.

Muhammad: ... I'm sorry, sir, I think your wife is having an attack.

Hank: She's speaking Arabic to you.

Peggy: And what do you speak, Muhammad? Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi? I know a few words in those as well.

Muhammad: No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect. I grew up in Saudi Arabia.

Hank: Well we were just in Saudi Arabia. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane, and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco.

Peggy: Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly.

Hank: What's gotten into you two? You all loved it before.

Dale: Joseph was just bragging, Bobby got a bunch of fancy brewing equipment from his frat-boy partner. Remember, Hank. Your beer is our generation's last line of defense against these young punks. We're the dinosaurs, and they're the virus the dinosaur government created that made them go extinct.

Bill: Yeah, it needs a bit more of that old gun flavor.

Hank: What's old gun flavor?

Dale: Ask Bill. He's the only one who's ever put a gun in his mouth.

Bill: It tasted like I thought it would...

Emilio: What's wrong, Chef Bobby? You look paler than usual. Like scared mayonnaise.

Bobby: Oh man, my parents want a tour of the place, and I haven't told my dad that I use Japanese Binchotan coals to cook instead of propane.

Emilio: So what?

Bobby: Emilio, my dad loves four things in life: America, my mom, me, and propane, and when I was a kid, depending on the week, propane would be above me on the list.

Hank: So let's take a look at that propane setup.

Bobby: Uh, dad...

Hank: [noticing charcoal in the grill] Charcoal? Ohh, I get it. This is just for show. Lure in the out-of-towners. The propane's in the back, right?

Bobby: Dad, dad, dad! I use charcoal to cook. Not propane.

[everyone gasps]

Dale: Here we go...

Hank: What? But we went over the different systems for hours over the phone! Those were some of the best times we ever spent together. Were all those "uh-huhs" you said after every point I made just lies?

Bobby: No, I considered propane.

Hank: Considered?! It gets worse.

Hank: I don't get it, Peggy. Why can't he make a restaurant where he cooks on a propane backyard grill just like everybody else in Texas? That boy ain't right.

Peggy: Now Hank, Bobby is not our little boy anymore. He is his own man.

Hank: Alright then. That man ain't right.

Chane: Hello. I'm the owner of Robota Chane, and we'd like to talk to the owner of this fine establishment.

Yoshida: I am the owner.

Bobby: But we spoke to a Mr. Yoshida on the phone.

Yoshida: That is me.

Chane: Dude, don't be a dick. Go get the owner. He's probably a little guy? Black hair?

Yoshida: Get out of my shop!

Chane: Look, I get it. You hate your job. Just tell Yoshida we're here.

[Yoshida looks upset]

Bobby: Chane, I think this is Mr. Yoshida.

Emilio: But you're black.

Yoshida: I was adopted as a baby by Makoto and Yamamoto Junko, and raised in Japan! I'm Japanese. You think coming in here with some token Japanese guy is going to make me sell out?

Chane: I'm Laotian.

Yoshida: Even worse! You think Asians can't steal culture from other Asians? Don't get me started on Hapkido. That shit's just Aikido for Korean.

Bobby: Mr. Yoshida, please! We've got a restaurant to run, and I'm turning a lot of people on to traditional Binchotan-flavored robata. Now why isn't that a good thing?

Yoshida: Still no.

Bobby: You don't understand! I'm down to my last box! I'll have to close my restaurant if I don't get more.

Yoshida: Good! You should have thought of that before you weren't Japanese!

Bobby: What?!

Chane: Now I know this guy's Japanese, 'cause he's stubborn as hell! Your loss, dude! We're gonna find another wood burner. Do you know who my father is? Ted Wassanasong.

Yoshida: Did he play for the Tokyo Giants?

Chane: What? No. But, he can do anything. In fact, he could start a Binchotan business and drive you out of the state!

Yoshida: Oh yeah? Well, then I'll just sue you for racial discrimination against black small businesses.

Chane: You can't play two race cards!

Emilio: Hijole, the cojones on this guy!

Chane: Man, if there was a Laotian martial art, I'd use it to kick your ass!

Yoshida: There is a Laotian martial art. It's called Muay Lao.

Chane: Don't tell me about my culture! It's called "suck it!"

Tour Guide: You'll work as a team, and make important decisions about the September 2008 housing crisis, during the collapse of the subprime mortgage industry when the government debated the takeover of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.

Hank: Ooh, that's a juicy one.

Tour Guide: Would you like to be the president?

Hank: ... I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will-

Tour Guide: A simple "yes" would have sufficed. Ma'am, you'll be Fed Chairman John Paulson.

Peggy: Ho'yeah! I can buy and sell all of you losers.

Nancy: Sug, can I be the Fannie Mae president? I just like the name Fannie Mae.

Tour Guide: Huh- sure.

Dale: And I'll be the head of the shadowy Trilateral Commission, David Rockefeller. [to the man next to him] And you'll be the Queen of England. We all know that the president's just a puppet, and that the queen and Lyndon LaRouche pulled all the strings.

Hank: That's not true, Dale.

Dale: Can you prove that it isn't true? Can you, Hank?

Hank: Mr. President to you, Rockefeller.

Patron: Can I be Epstein?

Hank: From Welcome Back, Kotter? No. Why?

Female Patron: Can I be Obama's Kenyan handler?

Hank: Obama was born in Hawaii. That's reason enough not to vote for him without making stuff up. [to the guide] Wait, aren't you gonna do anything?

Tour Guide: Ha. You're the president.

Hank: No, not if this group isn't gonna respect the historical accuracy. I might as well stand here and do nothing.

Dale: Fine. Vice President it is.

Peggy: Why don't you sit down and relax?

Hank: It's 10:30 on a Tuesday. We don't live in an opium den.

Peggy: Honey, the whole point of retirement is you do not have to fill in every free moment with work. Come on, watch some TV with me.

Hank: What are you watching?

Peggy: It is a British reality show called The Make Up Bake Up. A couple tries to work through their relationship issues while making a pastry, cake, or tart. [unmutes the TV] Oh, and they are naked.

Emilio: You're a good man, Bobby Hill. Dumb, but good.

Joseph: Hey, were you mad at me earlier?

Bobby: No. Why?

Joseph: Because this afternoon, you texted me, "Joseph, we need to talk." Period.

Bobby: So periods are angry. No man, I just wanted to tell you that Connie came into the restaurant today.

Joseph: No way! To see you?

Bobby: She was on a date, uh, with Chane.

Joseph: Oh Bobby. Did you freak out? Did you scream at him? Did you slap Connie's name out of his mouth?

Bobby: I was actually really mature about the whole thing, 'cause truth is, I really just want Connie and I to be friends.

Joseph: [unconvinced] Uh-huh...

Bobby: [gets a text] It's her!

Joseph: Connie? What's it say?

Bobby: "It was really great to see you today." Period. "Karaoke tomorrow night?" Question mark?

Joseph: Oh-ho! Sounds like she's got Bobby on the brain! Maybe you still got a shot.

Bobby: Nah, I bet Chane's going too.

Joseph: Dude, still! Say yes!

Bobby: Okay, okay. "Hello, Connie." Period- nope. "It would be my honor to-"

Joseph: [scoffs and takes Bobby's phone] I'll do it. Bobby, you text like AI.

Bobby: The rules are confusing!

Hank: I went with Boomhauer to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game.

Peggy: Well honey, that is not a bad thing. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer is taking his role as Luke's father-adjascent figure seriously.

Hank: [sighs] I also filled in as referee after everyone turned on Boomhauer. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American.

Peggy: Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now? I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced!

Hank: I love soccer, Peggy.

Peggy: [gasps] You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill. He did not approve of soccer, no siree. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret. Hey Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform? I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade.

Hank: Peggy, the windows are open!

Peggy: I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?

Hank: Now that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.

Peggy: Don't ruin it. [pulls him to the bedroom]

Landlord: You can't bring a horse into our garage. Get rid of it by tomorrow, or I'm going to evict you.

Joseph: Our upstairs neighbor has a dog!

Landlord: You have a HORSE! And it just shat all over my wife's Ford Focus!

Bobby: This is crazy! I'm calling Bronco Barry. [calls Barry]

Barry: Goddangit, hello!

Bobby: Mr. Bronco Barry, sir, you told me we were allowed to keep horses in a residential area in Dallas-

Barry: No take-backs, mister!

Bobby: But, what about honesty? I thought we were fellow businessmen.

Barry: Oh, we are! And I out-businessed you! I've been trying to get rid of that horse for six months, and I ain't paying a large animal vet or some kinda funeral horse home to take him. You know what they charge to bury horses? Huh- do ya?! Two grand! And I wouldn't pay that much to bury my own mammy.

Hank: What the hell, Bill?!

Bill: I'm sorry, but pretending to be married to Peggy gave me the confidence to make new friends! I mean, who wouldn't like the kind of man who was able to get Peggy?

Hank: You photoshopped my wife's head on some... buxom trollop! Now I have to imagine you looking at that and... and enjoying it! It's a half a commandment short of adultery, Bill!

Bill: Please don't blow my cover. Please Hank!

Hank: I'm not gonna tell them the truth, because you have to. You started it, and you need to end it.

Bill: Well, I'm not going to.

Hank: Look, am I gonna have to kick your ass, "BD?"

Bill: You can't push me around anymore. I have the strength that comes from the love of a good woman.

Hank: YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO PEGGY!

Bobby: Uh, Willow, this is Connie. She's not my girlfriend, but actually, even if she was, it would be okay that she slept over, seeing how you practice ethical non-monagomy.

Willow: [scoffs] I heard about that when I was at SMU. It's just some BS college girls say to get side-dick.

Connie: Excuse me?! ENM is a relationship structure that allows people to have a connection without hurdles like jealousy or expectations.

Willow: Yeah, and side-dick.

Peter Wolters: I've been telling everyone I know Robata Chane is the place to go.

Bobby: I knew there was a reason you were my favorite customer.

Peter Wolters: Last time the Germans and Japanese teamed up, I wasn't a fan, but this is delicious.

Bobby: I call it, the Axis of Flavor.

Willow: I know the guy that ring the Cowboys Fantasy Camp. Do you think your dad would be into that?

Bobby: Are you kidding? I found the first chapter of a novel he wrote about Tony Romo. He solved mysteries and had a dog that knew karate.

Peggy: Nancy, would you read a book that is not on a device?

Nancy: Peggy, if you break my iPad too, I will smother you in your sleep.

Abraham: My wife, Martha and I, have been season ticket holders since 1972.

Bobby: Is she here too?

Abraham: Sure is! [holds up an urn]

Willow: My dad used to with her, so I kinda grew up around football.

Bobby: You never told me that.

Willow: I hate being negative, and if I talk about my dad, I end up bitching about that piece-of-shit, Jerry Jones who fired him.

Hank: Well, the man has no soul. He fired the late, great Tom Landry, too.

Khan: [after Hank catches Khan in his garage] Okay, okay, yes. I'm living in the garage because me and Minh, we got divorced.

Hank: Divorced? But we just saw the two of you together earlier tonight.

Khan: All for show. Divorce is a mark of shame in the Asian country club community. If they found out, I'd be the lowest of the low, like a Laotian Bill Dautrive. It could taint Connie as good marriage material in the eyes of the Wassanasongs.

Hank: Does Connie know about the divorce?

[Khan peeks outside his garage, before lowering the garage door]

Khan: Yes.

Hank: That was unnecessarily dramatic.

Hank Are you watching reality TV? If so, I'll go rotate my lawnmower tires.

Peggy: I am. There's a new show called My Husband Lied to Me Last Night. But in this episode, he will tell me what really happened at our neighbors house.

Hank: Uh, I think you're lying about the title of the show, but I'm gonna let it go. It's like I told ya. Khan was working on, uh, his new bed frame. [cleans his glasses]

Peggy: Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell! Every time you try to lie, you clean your glasses. It was cute when you told Brian Robertson you voted for Obama, but not now.

Hank: I'm not cleaning my- I'm just, [grabs his glasses] My eyes were feeling dry and- God-dangit! Okay, look. Khan swore me to secrecy.

Peggy: So you're completely willing to lie for Khan, but you could not play along with my bowling story? Your own wife?!

Hank: Okay, you win. Khan and Minh are divorced.

Peggy: What?

Hank: He's living in the garage, and I think he was peeing in a bucket. There was this ammonia smell.

Peggy: After all that bragging, and putting us down, turns out their marriage is a lie? [very smug] Well, well, well...

Hank: See, that's why I didn't wanna tell you. You're gonna wanna throw it in their faces. I promised I would keep the divorce a secret, so you do too, or we could ruin their anniversary party.

Peggy: Hmm. Sounds like you want me to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank. ... That shut you up.

Hank: No, Peggy. Now I am giving you the silent treatment.

Peggy: Amateur.

Connie: Thanks for making this whole thing slightly bearable.

Bobby: Slightly bearable's what I'm here for. Anything I can do to bump that up to mildly tolerable?

Connie: That's the bartender's job.

[as they dance to the Cha Cha Slide]

Hank I love a dance with clear rules and instructions.

Connie: I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.

Peggy For what?

Connie: For how my parents were treating you guys, and Bobby. He did a great job tonight, and didn't get any credit.

Peggy: Thank you. I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.

Connie: It's weird. I knew my parents were divorced, but it's like, real now.

Peggy: I have always competed with your parents. Out- competed. But one thing we all did right was raise wonderful children. We tied in that. And if you decide one day that marriage is for you, Connie, you will be a great wife to a very lucky man. You are not destined to end up like your parents.

Connie: I remember as a kid always feeling better after talking to you. Thank you.

Peggy: Would you say that I was a better mom than Minh?

Connie: Leave me out of that, Mrs. Hill.

Bobby: [joining Connie on the golf course] I'm sorry for my part in all of that.

Connie: Trust me, you're the last person I blame.

Bobby: You know, it didn't seem like you had a chance to eat all night, so I-

Connie: I just broke up with Chane.

Bobby: [excitedly] You did?! [calming down] I- I'm sorry. Would mango sticky rice make you feel any better?

Connie: I know good food can solve any problem, but right now, I could really just use a hug.

Bobby: Well, I brought that too. [they hug]

Bobby: [busy cooking while on the phone] Oh, I'm so sorry mom, I totally meant to call you back and tell you that I couldn't make it today. We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week, that is apparently THIS week, and not next week!

Emilio: I got the month right.

Bobby: In short, mom, no pickleball. But next week's wide open-

Emilio: No no no no!

Bobby: Dammit! We need a better system!

Hank: I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.

Bill: Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.

Dale: Yup.

Boomhauer: Damn straight, man.

Hank: That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.

Dale: I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.

Hank: Gah!

Dale: It's all fake anyway.