Boarding Round/Chapter 18

In the town of Winfield lived two men by the name of Kane. They were brothers, and they were twins. Their common name, Kane, distinguished them from other families, but they were distinguished from each other as Zedekiah and Zachariah, or, more familiarly, Kiah and Zack. Zedekiah claimed to be the older, but his brother secured the birthright. It proved to be a matter of merit and not of age. Zachariah was a man of considerable wealth, respected by all. He was for many years superintendent of the Congregational Sunday school. But Zedekiah sold his birthright for a mess of pottage, and a very poor mess at that. He was a farmer, but not a thriving one. Too much of his money found its way into the rumseller's till, and too much of his time was spent in making other people unhappy. And this, not at all because he was naturally a bad man. Liquor had spoiled him. He had fallen very poor, and had come to have an unsavory reputa​tion. When rum had possession of him, he was sometimes silly, sometimes cross, and always boasting of his wealth, and consequent respectability. He was exceedingly jealous of his prerogatives. Any intruder was liable to receive an extremely forcible expression of his opinion. Stepping on his toes often involved consequences quite as unfortunate as stepping on a hornets' nest. But in the earlier stages of his intoxication, before it might seem good to him to use some weapon other than his tongue, there was no particular danger involved in being a member of his household.

Mr. Sears had been informed of these things, and also duly admonished that it would be well to learn how "the land lay" before venturing to tread upon it. He endeavored to do so. According to information received, the favorable time for his boarding there had come. He invited himself for the next night. He went. But alas for the most prudent human calculations! A little time before the schoolmaster reached "Kiah" Kane's house, the jug, newly filled, had been brought from Mr. Huggins' store. Still the point of danger was not till by and by. Mr. Kane received his visitor with demonstrations of great gladness. He was just getting into a condition to see things through a medium which gave enlargement to his vision.

​"Good evening, Mr. Sears! Mr. Sears, I think, Mr. Sears. I'm glad to see you, Mr. Sears. You are fortunate to find me at home, Mr. Sears. Often when distinguished men come to see me, I'm away. I have important business, you must know. I have a large estate here. You'll be glad to see what I have. I superintend my own affairs. You know who I am. You have heard of me. Everybody knows me. I'm Kiah Kane, a man of property."

"Yes, Mr. Kane, I thank you for so cordial a welcome. I'm glad to know that you are a man of property. A fair amount of property adds to one's comfort."

"Comfort, Mr. Sears! no, that's not the word, Mr. Sears. It makes a man respectable. It raises a man in the estimation of mankind. I shouldn't be thought no more of than my brother Zack, if 'twan't for my property."

"I beg pardon, Mr. Kane, I ought to have said 'respectable.'"

"And more than that, Mr. Sears. A man of property can rule his own house. They try to rule me, Kiah Kane, a man of property. I'm master of my own house, Mr. Sears."

"I don't doubt it, Mr. Kane."

"Everybody tries to rule. Women try to rule. They can't rule me. I'm in my own house, Mr. Sears."

​Mrs. Kane heard her husband talking, as she had heard him many times before; but as the schoolmaster had just come in, she felt not a little mortified. She endeavored to welcome him in some proper manner to her home. She saw that her husband kept on his old battered hat; so stepping towards him, she said, "Please let me put up your hat."

This touched the point of greatest sensitiveness. It was an interference with his authority.

"My hat! my hat! You see, Mr. Sears, how women try to rule in this house. My wife, Clarissa, she try to rule Kiah Kane, a man of property! My wife, Mr. Sears."

Mrs. Kane, seeing that her presence was likely to make matters worse, withdrew. She had taken possession of the hat.

"My wife, Clarissa! bring back that hat. When I want you to carry off my hat, I'll send for you."

The schoolmaster, thinking that to get "the man of property" out of doors would improve the situation, for a time at least, proposed to him that they go out together. He would like to see his animals in the barn. He was a farmer's boy, and he was interested in cows, and sheep, and pigs.

"I'm glad to go with you, Mr. Sears. I've got the grandest litter o' pigs that ever followed the old sow. I let 'em run about. It's better for 'em. It's early for pigs. I shall ​have the biggest litter in town next spring. Clarissa! come here. Is there any swill in the pail? Look and see."

"No, the pail is empty," reported the wife.

"Put in a pan o' milk, then."

"I have no milk that needs skimming."

"I'm not talking about skimming milk. I want some milk for the pigs, and I want it now. You see how 'tis, Mr. Sears."

Mrs. Kane, to avoid a worse scene, got a pan of sweet milk and poured it into the swill pail.

The half-intoxicated man continued to make remarks, more explicit than complimentary, respecting womankind in general, and his own wife in particular, while the pigs at the door continued to gain new momentum, in their impolite demands for something to eat. Mr. Kane took up the pail, with the pan of sweet milk, and started for the door. His gait was very unsteady. So the kind-hearted teacher ventured to suggest that he assist in carrying the pail. But he soon perceived that his suggestion was not timely. The need of assistance was not felt. The offer was declined without thanks. The owner of all things around about did not need any assistance in showing how his pigs would look drinking that swill. He was thus making triumphant, if somewhat unsteady, progress toward the trough a few rods ahead, when the old swine with the little swinelets, gathered ​thick around his feet. To preserve his proper equilibrium, and, at the same time, hold the milk above the reach of the snouts of his eager friends, made it necessary that his feet should be separated laterally, as well as to pursue a forward movement. The old sow, improving an opportunity to get her nose nearer to the tempting swill, as she came up behind, crowded between his legs and set him astride her back. Instantly there was an accelerated motion of the whole company towards the trough, but it was unsatisfactory. If the kind help of the master was discarded, what was to be done now? There was no time for thought, but one yell, "Clarissa!" He held his pail in his hand, balancing himself on the old sow's back as well as he could, but only for a moment. He was soon on the ground, and the pigs were sharing the milk with him. He was helped to get on his feet, while the righteous indignation which he felt, found appropriate expression: "The old sow! she too, try to rule Kiah Kane, a man o' property."

What followed this method of feeding the pigs cannot be described without the use of too many unusual adjectives, and so must be left to the imagination of the reader. The schoolmaster, however, did remain till the morning. Then no sounds disturbed the peace of the household, except the heavy breathing in the little bedroom at the end of ​the kitchen. The jug had done its work.

The kind invitation of Capt. and Mrs. Hale, that whenever their teacher, for any reason, did not wish to fill out his full time of boarding at any place, he should come directly to their house, was now gladly taken advantage of.

"So you received a free ticket to the circus, last evening!"

"Yes, Captain, perhaps one might say so."

"I understand that, as an honored guest, you were permitted to witness the performance in the ring."

"It cost me nothing directly, but perhaps on the principle of indirect taxation, I did have to pay something."

"You wouldn't care to go again?"

"It was a wonderful ride that the old gentleman took. I think I would be willing to buy a ticket to see something else equal to it."

"Well, Mr. Sears, I can't help you to see anything equal in comic interest to Kiah Kane's ride on the old hog's back; but I can tell you of something which is to me about as funny. There is an old man, living on the east road to the silk mill, whose name is Pitcher. He is often wickedly called 'Old Squint,' or 'Cock Eye,' or something else equally disrespectful. Have you seen him?"

"Yes, sir, I think I have. His eyes seem to be crossed perpendicularly, instead of horizontally."

​"That's the man. One of his eyes appears to be looking upward and the other downward, at the same time. One eye shows 'an upward glancing,' as if his thoughts were on things above, while the other eye would indicate that he has a prudent regard for things here on the earth. He is very tall and slender with long legs and arms, and fingers that are not lacking in evident bones and joints.

"He has a rough farm which is cultivated after his own fashion. One day he told his hired man to take the oxen and cart, and go out through his rocky pasture, and get a few apples that grew at the further end of it. He himself got into the cart and sat down on the bottom. He stretched out his feet straight before him, while with his hands he grasped the top of the two sides, in that way holding himself in the middle of the cart-body. Thus one of his eyes was fixed on the clouds, while the other was directed towards the place where his boots were resting. As this cart was a heavy one, and could stand any amount of bumping over the rocks, for one to sit on the bare bottom was not naturally so productive of sweet content as some other conveyance might have been. The ground passed over was so uneven, and so full of stones, that the cart-body was rarely on a level. One side would be much higher than the other, and then before the passenger had time to adjust himself to the situation, down it would go ​much lower than the other side. This 'variety in unity' was repeated every time one of the heavy wheels went over a rock. This kind of sport of the fixed elements of nature, began to have an unfavorable effect upon Mr. Pitcher, both physically and morally. And we are to bear in mind that the driver of his team is a man who is fond of a joke, when it is not at his own expense. Accordingly, he was not careful to keep his oxen in the path—which was rough enough—but would get out of it, and make his cartwheels strike against every rock that was within his reach. While taking this view of his duty, he tried—so far as he could without being observed—to see what kind of an impression his passenger was receiving. But not a muscle moved in the face of his victim, and not a word did he speak.

"The apples were gathered, and the return journey begun. Sylvanus, thinking that a whole loaf was better than half, began driving his cattle back as he had come—only a little more so—saying to himself, 'I'll make that eye come down from viewing the clouds, to take some notice of things here on the earth—I'll do it before I get out of this lot.' So he turned his oxen out of the path still further, making them go as fast as he could, that the wheels might not strike the rocks too softly. At this, the individual who was receiving the benefit, began to feel much as ​some people do, when they begin to swear; but he had never indulged in that wicked practice, and he would not begin then. He didn't swear. But the stress of adverse circumstances did prove too much for his resolution to keep silence, and so he began calling out, 'Sylvanus!' But Sylvanus didn't hear anything. Of course the cart did make a great deal of noise, and there are several species of deafness. That which now afflicted the driver of Mr. Pitcher's oxen was of the worst kind. He could hear nothing else but the cart, not even his conscience. He whipped up his cattle, looking straight ahead.

"'Sylvanus! Sylvanus!'

"But Sylvanus was so intent on getting out of such a rough lot, that he could hear only the bumping of the cart-wheels, as he took the shortest cut out of the pasture, even at the risk of going over bigger stones. At last he was out, and he must stop to put up the bars.

"'Sylvanus! Sylvanus! Sylvanus!'

"By this time the old man's voice had gone up at least one octave higher than it had ever been before.

"Sylvanus now thought he heard something.

"'Where are your ears? Can't you hear nothin'?'

"'Hear! Yes, sir. I've got good ears. What's the matter?'

"'Matter! I've ben yellin' to ye for more'n half an hour. The only answer I got was the ​crackin' o' that whip over the oxen's backs.'

"'Why, no, these oxen don't need whipping. I never have to whip 'em.'

"'You don't need to! I tell ye y've loosened every j'int in my body.'

"As with these words the venerable passenger was giving some little relief to the emotions that had been swelling within him, he raised his head as high as his long neck would permit, pointed with his bony finger back into the pasture, and turned one eye in the same direction, while he fixed the other upon Sylvanus; then he asked:

"'Do you see that high rock, sticking up right out there?'

"Sylvanus meekly answered that he thought he could see something like a rock.

"'Wal, ye hain't ben over that one!'

"Sylvanus was accustomed, most solemnly, to declare, as his belief, that Old Squint did, for the first time in his life, get both his eyes together, so that they looked in the same direction; and that they were both fixed upon him, till he reached home."