In Other Words/Christmas Cards
Christmas Cards
Being the songs of an old Scrooge
I. TO A JANITOR
Native of Sweden or Norway, Tyrant of terrible type,Standing around in the doorway, Smoking a miserable pipe—
Thou who refusest to steam up, Thou who denyest me heat,Thou who wilt not send my cream up, Thou who purloinest my meat—
Father of infants whose weeping All through the perilous nightLoudly inhibits my sleeping— Read, if thou canst, what I write:
Why, at this holiday season, Should I drop into the slotMoney? There isn’t a reason; Therefore, old chap, I shall not.
II. TO A STENOGRAPHER
Person feminine of gender, Pounding at the lettered keys,Think you that I should surrenderTribute, be it ne’er so slender? Lithe and listen, please:
You who, chafing at your fetters, Say you “Do not have to work,”Queen of pompadoured coquettersHow you hate to take my letters! How you love to shirk!
You who take two hours for luncheon— Cake and soda, as it seems,Being all that make your nuncheon,While all afternoon you munch on Callow chocolate creams.
Typist, it is truth I’m telling— Pardon mine insurgency—But, O maid at work rebelling,Scorner of the rules of spelling, Not a cent from me!
III. TO AN ELEVATOR BOY
You leave me waiting on my floor, Although I press the button hard.Day after day do you ignoreThis bard.
I walk downstairs; a tiresome task For one aweary, worn and old.And now at Christmas-time you askFor gold!
Shall I a good cigar deny Myself? A quarter? Make your lotA bit more bearable? Well, IGuess not!
IV. TO A COOK
Foreign genius culinary, Proud but inefficient cook,Gretchen, Olga, Hulda, Mary,Look:
Haply thou expect’st a present As the smallest of thy dues,Hearken! Thou shalt hear unpleasantNews.
Hast thou ever tried to study What my palate might allure?Dost thou make the coffee muddy?Sure.
Though I like a peeled tomato, Do I get it thataway?Do I get a baked potato?Nay.
Though I like my steak the rarest, Red as the Milwaukee bricks,Thy results but prove thou carestNix.
Therefore let this be the burden Of this bit of deathless dope:Dost thou get a Christmas guerdon?Nope!