Page:Dostoevsky - The Idiot, Collected Edition, 1916.djvu/19

'she is a princess. Her name is Nastasya Filippovna Barashkov, and she is living with Tostky, and Totsky doesn't know how to get rid of her, for he's just reached the proper time of life, fifty-five, so that he wants to marry the greatest beauty in Petersburg.' Then he told me that I could see Nastasya Filippovna that day at the Grand Theatre--at the ballet; she'd be in her box in the baignoire. As for going to the ballet, if anyone at home had tried that on, father would have settled it--he would have killed one. But I did slip in for an hour though, and saw Nastasya Filippovna again; I didn't sleep all that night. Next morning my late father gave me two five per cent. bonds for five thousand roubles each. 'Go and sell them,' he said, 'and take seven thousand five hundred to Andreyev's office, and pay the account, and bring back what's left of the ten thousand straight to me; I shall wait for you.' I cashed the bonds, took the money, but I didn't go to Andreyev's. I went straight to the English shop, and picked out a pair of earrings with a diamond nearly as big as a nut in each of them. I gave the whole ten thousand for it and left owing four hundred; I gave them my name and they trusted me. I went with the earrings to Zalyozhev; I had told him, and said, 'Let us go to Nastasya Filippovna's, brother.' We set off. I don't know and can't remember what was under my feet, what was before me or about me. We went straight into her drawing-room, she came in to us herself. I didn't tell at the time who I was, but Zalyozhev said, 'This is from Parfyon Rogozhin, in memory of his meeting you yesterday; graciously accept it."[sic] She opened it, looked and smiled: 'Thank your friend Mr. Rogozhin for his kind attention.' She bowed and went out. Well, why didn't I die on the spot! I went to her because I thought I shouldn't come back alive. And what mortified me most of all was that that beast Zalyozhev took it all to himself. I am short and badly dressed, and I stood, without a word, staring at her because I was ashamed, and he's in the height of fashion, curled and pomaded, rosy and in a check tie--he was all bows and graces, and I am sure she must have taken him for me! 'Well,' said I, as he went out, 'don't you dare dream now of anything, do you understand?' He laughed. 'And how are you going to account for the money to your father now?' I felt like throwing myself into the water, I must own, instead of going home, but I thought 'What did anything matter after all?' and I went home in desperation like a damned soul."