Page:Gide - Strait is the Gate.pdf/213

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211 STRAIT IS THE GATE

I have torn up all the pages which seemed to me to be well written. (I know what I mean by this.). I ought to have torn up all those in which there was any question of him. I ought to have torn them all up. I could not. And already, because I tore up those few pages, I had a little feeling of pride... a pride which I should laugh at if my heart were not so sick. It really seemed as though I had done some thing meritorious, and as though what I had de stroyed had been of some importance!


6th July. I have been obliged to banish from my bookshelves ... I fly from him in one book only to find him in another. I hear his voice reading me even those pages which I discover without him. I care only for what interests him, and my mind has taken the form of his to such an extent, that I can distinguish one from the other no better than I did at the time when I took pleasure in feeling they were one. Sometimes I force myself to write badly in order to escape from the rhythm of his phrases; but even to struggle against him is still to be concerned with him. I have made a resolution to

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