Page:Gide - Strait is the Gate.pdf/216
STRAIT IS THE GATE 214
28th August. How mediocre, and miserable is the virtue to which I attain! Do I then exact too much from myself? ... To suffer no more. What cowardice makes me continually implore God for His strength? My prayers now are nothing but complainings.
29th August.
"Consider the lilies of the field ... This simple saying plunged me this morning into a sadness from which nothing could distract me.
I went out into the country and these words, which I kept continually repeating to myself filled my heart and eyes with tears. I contemplated the vast and empty plain where the labourer was toiling, bent over his plough. . . "The lilies of the field ... " But, Lord, where are they ...?
16th September, 10 o'clock at night.
I have seen him again. He is here under this roof. I see the light from his window shining on the grass. He is still up as I write these lines, and perhaps he is thinking of me He has not changed. He says so and I feel it. Shall I be able to show myself to him such as I have re solved to be, so that his love may disown me?