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225 STRAIT IS THE GATE

Above human joy and beyond all suffering, yes, I foresee that radiant joy. The “rock that is higher than I” bears, I know, the name of happiness ... I understand that my whole life has been vain, except in so far as it culminates in hap piness ... Ah! Lord, but Thy promise to the pure and renouncing soul was this: "Blessed from henceforth" said Thy holy word, "Blessed are they which die in the Lord from henceforth.” Must I wait until I die? This is the point where my faith wavers. Lord! I cry unto Thee with all my strength. I am in the night! I am waiting for the dawn. I cry unto Thee with a crying that wastes me to death. Come and slake the thirst of my heart. It is now, at once, that I thirst for happiness . . . . Or ought I to persuade myself that I have it? And as the pipe of the impatient bird before day - break calls rather than heralds the light, ought I to sing, without waiting for the night to dwindle?

16th October. Jerome, I wish I could teach you perfect joy.

This morning I was shattered by a fit of sickness. And afterwards I felt so weak that for a moment I hoped I was going to die. But no;