Page:Gide - Strait is the Gate.pdf/228

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STRAIT IS THE GATE 226

first a great calm fell upon my whole being; then a pang of anguish pierced me, a shudder of my flesh and soul; it was like the sudden and disenchanting illumination of my life. It seemed to me that I saw for the first time the walls of my room in their atrocious bareness. I was seized with fear. Even now I am writing to reassure myself, to calm myself. Oh Lord ! may I reach the end without blasphemy! I was able to get up again. I went down on my knees like a child . . . I should like to die now, quickly, before again realising that I am alone.