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Epistulae ad Familiares, II. xvi.

in the heyday of his prosperity, to prove myself a renegade to my own principles, and—what I have always avoided from the very firsf—to engage in a civil war.

2 What then is that "gloomy resolve"[1] of mine? To withdraw perhaps to some desolate region? Well, you know how my gorge rises—there was a time when you felt like that yourself—and how my eyes also turn away in disgust at the abominable behaviour of these insolent fellows. There is, moreover, this parade of my lictors here, which embarrasses me, and the title of imperator, by which I am addressed. If I were rid of that burden I should be content with any hiding-place, however humble, in Italy. But this laurelled pomp of mine has now to meet not only the peering eyes, but also the jeering cries of my ill-wishers.[2] And yet, in spite of this, I have never for a moment contemplated leaving the country except with your and your friends' approval. But you know of my little estates; well, it is on them that I must live, so as not to be an incubus on my friends. But just because I find it most pleasant to live at my place at the seaside, I excite in some folks the suspicion that I mean to take ship; and after all perhaps I might not be disinclined to do so, if I could find peace at the end of the voyage. If there is only war awaiting me there, what is the good of sailing?—especially to fight against the man to whom I hope I have given satisfaction, and on the side of the man who cannot now be satisfied with me whatever I do?

3 Then again you might very easily have understood my sentiments ever since the time you came to meet me at my Cuman villa; for I made no secret of what

  1. ↑ He refers to the words of Caelius, in viii. 16. 1, "quibus te nihil nisi triste cogitare ostendisti"
  2. ↑ "But these laurels of mine attract not only the eyes, but now even excite the cries of my ill-wishers" Jeans. A play on the word oculos and voculas is obviously intended.
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