Page:Punch Vol 148.djvu/404

postage stamp or a deer forest, will do equally well:—

(1) The cow shall be sold by public auction at intervals of not more than one calendar month.

(2) The entire proceeds on each occasion, without any reduction whatever, shall be devoted to the local Red Cross Fund.

(3) It will not be considered sporting (though this Committee has no jurisdiction in the matter) to allow the cow to go for a lower price than on the previous occasion.

(4) There shall be no limit to the number of times that any one buyer may hold the cow—so long as she is always bought at progressive prices—but she shall not be held twice in succession by any one buyer.

(5) The cow can be won outright by being held three times by the same buyer, and shall become his absolute property at the conclusion of the third term (if he is rotten sportsman enough to keep her).

(6) During the monthly tenure the milk, if any, to be the absolute property of the cow-holder. But the cow must be efficiently kept up. (Here follows the official list of daily rations prescribed).

(7) All disputes of any sort whatsoever to be settled by the instant re-sale of the cow.

(8) These conditions to hold good only for the duration of the War. The party that happens to be the holder at the moment when peace is signed to remain in possession.

We rather pride ourselves on this last clause, which ought to help to brighten things up towards the close. There is already strong rivalry, and any important advance of the Allies is sure to lead to lively markets. Prices are getting too high for me, but I mean to have one more flutter when we cross the Rhine.

Meanwhile a delightful thing has happened. The Rector (who got her back again three weeks ago) has just announced a calf. An emergency committee meeting has been called. It is not yet certain what steps will be taken, but opinion is pretty evenly divided between the Wounded Allies Committee and the Polish Relief Fund.

"How is it you're not serving, young man?"

"Early closing to-day, Sir."

We understand that our friends on the other side of the Tweed are greatly annoyed at the continued use of the word "England" by the Germans, and are contemplating seeking the assistance of the American Ambassador at Berlin to get the word "Britain" substituted.

"The Ward Unions.—This pack brought their season to a close on Saturday, the 3rd inst., when Mr. Maynard gave us 'one extra' meeting at Dunshaughlin, which resulted in a rattling good gallop of nearly an hour, and sent us all home in the best of humour, to hibernate until next October."—Irish Life.

More Hibernico.

"Country Holidays.—Country house, with farm adjoining, high inland situation, with sex breezes."—Advt. in "The Times."

This particular quality of breeze can sometimes be obtained without leaving home.

"The Spelling Indian Names.
A Revised Quide.

The Pioneer.

If the new spelling is to be at all like this, we prefer the old.