Rudyard Kipling's Verse, Inclusive Edition, 1885-1918/Army Headquarters
For other versions of this work, see Army Headquarters.
Army Headquarters
Old is the song that I sing— Old as my unpaid bills—Old as the chicken that kitmutgars[1] bring Men at dâk-bungalows—old as the Hills.
Ahasuerus Jenkins of the "Operatic Own,"Was dowered with a tenor voice of super-Santley tone.His views on equitation were, perhaps, a trifle queer.He had no seat worth mentioning, but oh! he had an ear.
He clubbed his wretched company a dozen times a day;He used to quit his charger in a parabolic way;His method of saluting was the joy of all beholders,But Ahasuerus Jenkins had a head upon his shoulders.
He took two months at Simla when the year was at the spring,And underneath the deodars eternally did sing.He warbled like a bul-bul[2], but particularly atCornelia Agrippina, who was musical and fat.
She controlled a humble husband, who, in turn, controlled a Dept.Where Cornelia Agrippina's human singing-birds were keptFrom April to October on a plump retaining-fee,Supplied, of course, per mensem, by the Indian Treasury.
Cornelia used to sing with him, and Jenkins used to play;He praised unblushingly her notes, for he was false as they;So when the winds of April turned the budding roses brown,Cornelia told her husband:—"Tom, you mustn't send him down."
They haled him from his regiment, which didn't much regret him;They found for him an office-stool, and on that stool they set himTo play with maps and catalogues three idle hours a day,And draw his plump retaining-fee—which means his double pay.
Now, ever after dinner, when the coffee-cups are brought,Ahasuerus waileth o'er the grand pianoforte;And, thanks to fair Cornelia, his fame hath waxen great,And Ahasuerus Jenkins is a Power in the State!