Salmagundi (Huddesford, 1791)/The Paradox

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THE PARADOX:

OR

NED FRIGHTENED OUT OF HIS WITS.

Empty the flask, discharg'd the score,Ned stagger'd from the tavern door,And, falling in his drunken fits,Crippled his Nose and lost his Wits;But, from the kennel soon emerging,His nose repairs by help of surgeon:That done, the Leech peeps in his brainTo find his wits,—but peeps in vain."'Tis hard," the Patient cries, "to lose"Wits not a whit the worse for use;"Wits which I always laid aside"For great occasions, cut and dried;"("Tho' here the case was falsely put:His Wits were dried, Himself was Cut.)"Wits like the Continental Aloe,"That for a century lies fallow; ​"Wits never prodigally wasted;"Like choice conserves, but rarely tasted:"Wits husbanded, not spent at random;"Cork'd up like cordials for my Grandam:"Wits, which, if all your wealth could buy—Sir,"You would not be a jot the wiser."
Tho' plain appear'd in ev'ry faceA fellow-feeling of his case,Yet still, to shew Their Wits were sound,His Boon Companions throng around,And sagely, one and all, accost him:"Zounds, Ned, I wonder how you lost 'em!"
Ah! let them drink their Port in peace,For miracles will never cease!And, if Ned's loss of wits astound 'em,Zounds,—how they'll wonder when he's found 'em!
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